We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try toconvince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those whohate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dumpat work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so thesmell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn'tknow where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop untilthe full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure thesmell has left your pants.
FLY BY:This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in andcheck for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave andcome back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People maybecome suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal orforcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden waveof embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in theurinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It isuncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes bothparties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. Thisis usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this shouldhappen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left thebathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. Thisreduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have juststunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someonewalks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that thesmell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You willoften see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with anewspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goesoff without incident. This group can help you to monitor the here abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building whereyou can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex enteringthe bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and triesto force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerablemoments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remainin the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH:A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that youare in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up aWATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is veryeffective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that youare occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall isoccupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so thepooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON:A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting thetoilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel aWatermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toiletwater. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
Friday, September 26, 2008